LaBonte 2016

Since, I’ve officially been in Russia now for 31 hours, I can safely say that I’m an expert on Russian culture.  I’m applying to be the ambassador and I figure that Obama will be so blown away by my gigantic wealth of knowledge and expertise that I’ll be Secretary of State in about a week.  If everything goes as planned, I should be unanimously voted in as president in 2016.

And because I am such a wise, generous, and above all, humble person, I will give you a brief rundown on some aspects of the Russian culture and how to avoid problems while in the country.  Take note: all of these experiences are based off of things I’ve seen in the past two days.  (That doesn’t mean I’ve done all of them, but I have seen other people do them, and that’s just as good.)

When going abroad, the first thing that people are usually concerned about is their own health.  What vaccines do I need?  Is the water safe to drink?  If I step in a puddle with flip-flops on, will I contract a foot fungus that will turn me into a frog?  My personal belief on all of these topics is “if it’s inconvenient, then…meh, you’re too lazy anyway.”  For instance, I don’t like shots.  I’m not being a baby, you’re the crazy one if you actually enjoy a long needle going into your arm.  So, since they make me uncomfortable, don’t do them.  You’ll be fine.  On the water subject, if it’s clear(ish) and it’s a liquid, then I’m sure you’re good.  If it’s not clear, then think of it as vitamin water and drink it anyway.  And with regard to whether or not you’ll get a foot fungus, you probably will.  But I personally believe that disease is the most authentic souvenirs you can get.  If you’re lucky and it’s contagious, then it’s just the gift that keeps on giving. 

Unfortunately, my mom tricked me into getting the shots done and Russian water hasn’t given me anything fatal…yet.  

The next topic of conversation is usually common crime in the area and how to avoid becoming a victim.  To start with, I recommend traveling through all the back streets.  They may be dark, but there are way less people around and so, logically, you have less of a chance of getting pickpocketed.  If for some reason, you can’t just take the backstreets then be sure to put on your Mickey Mouse cap, wear your American flag shorts (face paint is optional) and take pictures of everything, even those puddles of water that you are stepping in.  The object is for everyone to know that you are a tourist from America.  That way, if they steal from you, the CIA will launch a counterterrorism investigation on the entire country and maybe in a couple weeks we will get to a full-scale war.  Or at least that’ll be the goal when I’m president. 

I’ve been pretty good with this one.  Taking lots of people, speaking English as loud as possible, I’ve got it down.  And so far so good, nothing stolen so far.  It’s not luck, it’s skill.

 Thirdly, people usually ask about money.  Where to exchange it, where to carry it, etc.  I recommend first trying to pay for everything in American dollars.  You’re the customer so you’re always right.  If they don’t take the currency, try talking louder and slower; that always helps the situation.  If that doesn’t work, whip out your wallet that’s overflowing with large bills and completely unorganized.  If something falls out (which it probably will), just drop everything and ask everyone in the store to help you pick it up.   Also, always argue over prices.  Numbers are totally different in different countries, so if something works according to English math, they are probably ripping you off.  Remember, these are all based off of real experiences.

Addressing concert etiquette is fairly simple:  when in Rome, do as the Romans.  But you aren’t in Rome, silly.  You’re in Russia, so just follow the Russians.   There are a couple mannerisms you should be aware of.  Firstly, take your seats as late as possible.  Again, you’re the audience, the orchestra will wait for you.  And we did.  Thanks for that.  But once the audience is seated, they are actually really quiet.   As much as we really appreciate the harmonics that babies crying brings to the music, we don’t actually enjoy it all that much.  Surprise.  Also, if you happen to be in charge of temperature, always turn the A/C off all the way, musicians hate it when they are comfortable when we play and love the fact that we can’t fan ourselves like the people in the audience.  Overall, I think the coolest part of a Russian audience is that they don’t stand if they like a performance  (No, I’m not being conceited in assuming that they would stand for our performance.)  Instead of standing, Russian audiences clap…in rhythm.  They all begin clapping on beat and the whole concert hall claps together.  It is so cool.  And so exciting and energetic.  It’s kind of like those elementary school cheers that you do while you’re jumping rope.  I even made one up: 

“We’re NYO. (Yeah). 
We’re pretty cool.  (Yeah) 
Gergiev conducts us.  (Yeah)
And he’s no fool. 

Now, we’re in Russia. (Yeah)
 And that’s so fun.  (Yeah) 
You clap in time.  (Yeah) 
Right when we’re done.”

Booyah.

So that’s really all you need to know about Russia.  I think if you follow all of those steps, you’ll be successful…to a certain degree.  If you don’t think you’ll be able to travel in the future, then that’s too bad.  It’s really very nice here.  (That was maybe the only sentence in this blog post without sarcasm)  If you are really out of things to do (cough loser), you could make some “LaBonte 2016” campaign posters. 

I’m thinking the slogan should be “She’s a teenager, of course she knows everything about running the country.  Duh.”